Bad day

Today is so bad day for me. Well actually today i was quite happy to spend a short holiday with my fam after quite long time. I heard some good news too. I was happy to hear about tha,  but somehow it worsen my day too. The day went worse again when i felt that bad feeling and i tried to find peace and belief in my bf to calm down my bad bad day but i couldnt find it. It made me more insecure about that bad feeling. So i can infere that today is like paradoks hell for me.

I just feel worse. In addition of my bad mood before this holiday.

i dont know what to do.
I dont know how i can face these annoying things.

All i know now is

I just want to stop.

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December

Well hello, insomnia.

Being a jobless person is horible. Feels like a fool, like you don’t have qualities and personalities that are loved by people. Because you were rejected, over and over again, on the dream job that you want.

For me personally, i hate being rejected, so much, because it worsen my self esteem that decreases gradually during all my complicated life phases. I often feel so insecure to my self. I became thinking too much of all that bad times in my life, all of my supposed-to-be-burried–bad memories. I became worry to much about my future, my life, my personal love life. And yeah, thanks to social media that worsen my self esteem more! The wedding photos, the proposal photos, their honeymoon photos, the pregnancy photos, baby photos, kiddo photos, all of those fuckin horible stuffs are starting to be scattered over social medias when i face the challenges on my dream, when my couple also facing it due to the ages, when no one asking me for future steps both in career and love. My future is so blur personally and couplely. And please add about how i must fucking cope my self much to the his very very big families that fyi have sooo different character both with me and my family. Fuck everything!  Fuck those photos!

Well pardon me if i’m just feeling envy. But hey, it is normal right when i feel that?

I just want to be happy.

I hate feeling rejected and feeling like no one want and accept me. I feel so damn sad about it.

I hate feels so down.

I damnly want the clear future. Feels like everything is not going right for me. Everything is screwed up.

My life, my goals, my friendship, my family, my love life, my future.

I hate my self. That being this fucking miserable, that not deserved to be needed, loved, and valued by people around me, people i love.

I just want to die. I just want to build the new life. Because everytime i try to make my self going up, i fall deep. Feels like i’m not permitable to get the good things, that makes me happy, that makes me feel being loved and accepted, that makes me believe i’m deserved to be treated well and loved sincerely.

I just want that.

Why did everything go so difficult for me?

I feel so alone.